Top 5 worst players in the NBA

This year in the NBA, there have been so many great players that I think the little guy is getting overshadowed. The little guy of course, is the worst displays of basketball talent this side of Brian Scallabrine. It’s time to shed some light the players that put on a jersey just for the feeling of splinters up their ass. Here are the worst 5 players in the NBA.

 

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5. Hasheem Thabeet- If Manut Bol took a shit and added Macy Gray’s hair to it, you would get Hasheem Thabeet. What he lacks in talent, he makes for in the ability to look like a depressed tuna. You’d think someone this tall would have some ability to at the very least play some defense but when he’s on the court it’s like watching a game of Jenga come to life and try to play basketball. Thabeet has the grace of food poisoning and has been an asset to teams like diabetes has been an asset to Jay Cutler. I imagine the thunder only picked him up is to help Scott Brooks get groceries from top shelf. Thabeet is really tearing it up this year averaging 2.5 points and 2.8 rounds in 11 minutes per game. I think the most shocking stat there is the fact he gets 11 minutes per game. Watching him on the court often makes one yearn for a pencil to jam into their esophagus to distract themselves from the pain. Thabeet makes the simplest of layups look a chore and at 7ft 3 inches tall, if you don’t average 1 block a game or dance in colorful outfits while juggling flaming swords, I want my money back.

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4. Andris Biedrins-  That picture says it all. I was under the illusion that this guy was once good, but after looking through his stats over the years he’s actually somewhere between irrelevant human and a Kwame Brown stool sample. Most people know this embarrassment to Latvia as the guy who air balls a free throw seemingly every year. What an accomplishment. This year he is putting up some impressively abysmal stats averaging 0.5 points from the floor and 3 rebounds in 9 minutes per game. Yet another 7 footer who would be better off donating his body to science and his brain to a Latvian donut shop, Biedrins is to offense, what Lawrence Taylor is to consensual sex. Somehow, this guy has managed to stay on Golden State throughout his career despite shooting 16 percent from the free throw line one year and they wonder why they haven’t seen the playoffs since 2006.

 

 

 

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3. Drew Gooden- How the mighty have fallen. Now Gooden was never an elite player, but he was one of the more competent scoring power forwards in the league for the majority of his career. Not any more. Now Gooden fills his days shooting about 4 times a game in limited minutes and showing all the effort that a blind child would show trying to catch for Justin Verlander. Not sure if he’s even that bad or that he just hates the city of Milwaukee so much that he’d rather play Pictionary with Michael J. Fox than give a concerted effort on the court on a nightly basis. His numbers this year are pathetic at 4 points and 5 rebounds a game and they look even worse next to his 33% field goal percentage.

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2. Josh Childress- Remember when people thought this guy was going to be good? Well after playing overseas for a bunch of seasons, Josh Childress came back to the league and landed with Nets this summer. To say Childress hasn’t been helpful is like saying you’d be in poor health if your doctor was a komodo dragon. He’s averaging 1 point and 1 rebound a game. I’m pretty sure that doesn’t translate to good no matter what country your playing in. Maybe if you are playing for a Mayan civilization where it’s considered a victory to leave the court with your head not being swallowed by a ceremonial demon spirit, but other than that, fairly sure it’s bad.

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1. Luke Walton- After fooling the NBA for a couple of years into thinking he was a decent player with the Lakers, it seems the son of the horse god himself Bill Walton, has reached the end of his NBA days. The crowd cheers for Luke Walton when he gets in the game now like he has cancer. I honestly think I find someone with a fatal disease that could average 1 point in the NBA because Luke Walton can’t. O.7 points and 1 rebound a game,17 percent from the field.. My god. He’s getting paid to do that? That’s like if I worked for an advertising company and walked in one day and poured human blood on my boss and threw his assistant out the window and wrote on a post-it note ” Buy gum.” and walked out. That’s the equivalent of the contribution Luke Walton Makes during a basketball game.

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Top 5 players who look like animals

I don’t know if it’s just me. But sometimes I’m watching a game and see a player and think he surely can’t be human. Some of them you have to squint to see and others basically smack you in the face and say ” hey world, I look like a different species.” These are the players who find themselves confused when discussing the animal kingdom in a biology class.

5. Ray Allen- The most prolific 3 point shooter in NBA history is one of the best player of his era and a solid member of the NBA community off the court as well. But is it possible that the unreal marksman gets his shooting prowess from somewhere under the sea? Is it possible he is a…dolphin?

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4. Kurt Thomas- The NBA vet has seen his fair share of seasons and although he never was considered an elite player, he has often been credited for being a defensive presence and leader in the locker room in all of the teams he has been through. What many don’t know is that Kurt Thomas may in fact be …..a horned bullfrog.

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Where Kurt Thomas lacks in talent, he makes up for in looking like a wise bullfrog. Leave him be and he will teach the ways of the court/pond.

3. Pau Gasol- He’s an Ostrich. I’m not going to beat around the bush with this one. I wondered when I first heard the name Pau, where a name like that could come from, but now I know. A family of birds. Somewhere in the wilderness, there is a kingdom of ostriches who train to become basketball stars. I know it exists, I just have to find it and hope they accept me into their ostrich training facility.

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3. Evan Turner- The young forward has come into his own this season, but I have been theorizing for a while may secretly be hiding a dark secret. Despite the fact that this guy could floss with a power line, it isn’t a horse that comes to mind when looking at this man.

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I’ll be honest, I don’t know what the hell that thing is but I’m pretty sure it crawled out of my nightmares and into a fish tank. It looks like a lizard had intimate relations with a bag of skittles and put on blue contacts. If dragons ever are to exist, I assume this deadeyed rainbow colored amphibian from hell will be the starting point. Don’t expect me to find a picture of this thing playing basketball, for all I know the thing causes diabetes from looking at it for too long.

2. Steve Nash- So here we have one of the best point guards of all time in Steve Nash. There are any number of creatures you could compare his unique face shape to, but honestly, there’s only one thing that he looks like and/or is. ….Tom Petty

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Look, I’m not saying that Tom Petty found a time machine in 1970 and used it to come to the future and have a hall of fame basketball career, but I’m also not not saying that’s what happened. Do you think you’re fooling anyone with that hair dye Steve/Tom? I’m not saying this is bad thing, but if I somehow get to interview you one day and ask you if getting making it to the NBA was like Running Down a Dream, I expect you to sing.

1. Chris Bosh- Ladies and Gentleman, introducing the last known living dinosaur on planet earth. Everyone thinks the dinosaurs were wiped out millions of years ago, but one survived. The velociraptor himself Chris Bosh.

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Sidenote- Fairly certain Chris Bosh could fit an entire coconut in his mouth if challenged.

…..Sidenote 2- Chris Bosh, I challenge you to fit an entire coconut in your mouth.